Ponderings

I have learned a lot about myself while my hubby has been on this extended business trip. First off, a big ol' hats off to single parents, military wives, etc. Parenting is tough when there are two active participants, and it's absolutely brutal with only one. I am soooo tired. Tired because I haven't been sleeping all that well (I miss my bed warmer of nearly 11 years! Plus I'm constantly listening for the kids...). Tired because the kids are looking to me for all their needs. Tired because I truly want to be the kind of mother that God desires, and not the angry, crazed woman that is lurking just below the surface.

So anyway, it all sort of seemed to come to a head yesterday morning. I woke up with a fever and just generally feeling lousy. Cancelled plans (which I really didn't want to do!!) and laid low for the day. Spent some time in the Word and praying. Read stories to the kids and cuddled while we watched a video. Clipped coupons and sorted paperwork. I feel better today, but still drained.

So what have I learned? I'm a proud person. I really enjoy helping others out, but have a hard time asking for it myself. But I am a part of the body, and when I need help, I need to accept it. (Prov 16:18, Romans 12:16, James 4:6-10, I Cor 12:12-31) I need to truly turn things over to the Lord, none of this half-hearted prayer only when I feel things spiraling out of control. It's all about HIS grace and power. (Matt 12:28-29, II Cor 12:9-10, John 15:4-8) I've also been reminded that although God has given me a wonderful husband, I cannot look to him as a "mini-God" and expect him to fix all my problems. I must turn to Jehovah Jireh, my provider (Gen 1:1 - Rev 22:21)

And can I just say how thankful I am for the Psalms? What a comfort to know that it's OK to question God, to deal with our emotions. There are both highs and lows, and we can cry out to the Lord in all these circumstances.

Why are you downcast, o my soul? Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him,

my Savior and my God...

By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me -

a prayer to the God of my life.

(Psalm 42:5,8)w w w w w w

So anyway, I'm back. Still not perfect. Still working on turning myself over completely - I know God doesn't need my insights on how things should be... But my heart is being softened, and I pray that I'm looking just a bit more Christlike.

And I thought I'd close with a little reminder of grace: I saw our first crocus peeking out as I emptied the garbage yesterday. Yep, despite all the crazy weather and my lack of gardening prowess, the flower emerges.